When Harry met Snape
by despondent
Summary: Harry is dead. Who does he meet in the afterworld? No one other than the dreaded potions master! [One Shot, Parody]


_Disclaimer: Thanks to J. K. Rowling for her wonderful characters and to Mitch Albom, from which I took the title. _

_(The five people you meet in heaven)_

**-**

**'The people you meet in the afterworld' series**

By: Despondent

-

**_When Harry met Snape_**

-

_What is death?_

_Death is the end of a book. It is when you shut that last page, and you see, carefully written in heavy, golden, flowery script, the words 'The End' and you close the book, shutting it, and wonder to yourself whether the book was worthwhile. That is death. It is at that moment, when you close it. That is the moment when your life has reached its final moment, its climax, and as your life is snuffed out, you wonder whether you've lived the life you wanted to live. _

_That is death. _

_It could also be the next adventure of course. Who really knows? Those who have lived to find out died soon after, and those who did find out were already dead. _

_So let's just keep it simple._

_What is death?_

_Death is the opposite of life._

-

Harry opened his eyes. He was dead.

How glorious it was to be dead! He did not even need to cut himself! Oh, the joys of death- the liberation, no more potions, fancy that,- and he had died peacefully too. Not a death by flashing green lights, not a death self inflicted, nor death by obscure curses that he wasn't sure even existed… it was a normal, _quick_ death. He had died when he slipped from the top of the staircase and fell on his head.

He had not even felt it! No blood oozing from his wound and no dripping of crimson red on the carpet. (Mrs. Black would have been in a fit.) There was no pain, no severe needles pricking into his body, there was no sorrow, no guilt, no happiness. One moment he had been alive, and the other moment, he was dead. Ah, the simplicity of life- wait, scratch that- the simplicity of death!

He looked at his body. He was an ethereal white, transparent, and ghostly. Harry smiled. Without thought, he hurriedly poked his hand through a thin, translucent veil that had somehow, materialized before him. There was a sign, of course. It was chipped, red, and had the letters 'S-N-P-E' written on it.

Finding his curiosity getting the better of him, he had done the deed of sticking his hand through, only to find that the half of his hand that had gone through (he could not feel a thing, maybe it was a characteristic of being a ghost or maybe it was because he wasn't suppose to feel a thing) had disappeared. It reminded him of his invisibility cloak.

He remembered, distantly, a voice yelling in his head- "Why are you so foolish, don't you even think before you act?" However, he grinned a little wider and stepped in anyway. Death was no fun if you didn't do the things you wouldn't do in life. Otherwise, who wanted to die then? The difference in death is that you couldn't exactly be punished. There was no house points to be deducted either.

So he stepped in- and the first thing he saw, was Severus Snape.

-

"Fuck," Severus Snape shouted, "Am I dreaming?"

Harry shook his head a few times. Was that a ghostly Severus Snape he saw- complete with oily hair and mean sneer?

"Fuck," Harry shouted back, "Am _I_ dreaming?"

They stared at each other for awhile, disbelieving, until Severus Snape made a strange, guttural noise that resembled a pig. "I must be dreaming. Potter can't be in the afterworld… He's supposed to be saving the world!"

Harry chortled. "You sounded like a pig. And I am dead!"

Severus rolled his eyes. "No, actually, if you were alive, you would be in the afterworld. Oh, and may I enquire what _wonderful_ sun-tanning cream you use? You look absolutely transparent!"

Harry shook his head disapprovingly. "Sarcastic till death, I see," he said, wagging a finger to and fro, "and besides, I don't need sun-tanning cream. I have a naturally pale complexion. I look white all the time." Harry sniffed a little.

"Right…" Severus looked a little peeved, "and what's this about 'pigs' eh?"

"Pigs, you know, creatures with four legs, a snout, a wiggly tail, generally pink, likes mud, exceedingly dirty, enjoys oinking and has an affinity for grunts… Ever heard of the poor creature?"

Severus Snape turned and was preparing to walk away when suddenly, he whirled around again. "Wait a minute, why are we talking about pigs? Aren't we supposed to be discussing ways to return back to Earth- alive?"

Harry rolled his eyes. "Please," he said arrogantly, "and you call me the Gryffindor. Why bother? We're dead! Leave that for err, fate to decide or something!"

Severus blushed. He hated to be hypocritical, it made him feel… biased. _Wait a minute,_ he thought, _I am biased._ He cheered up instantly.

"How did you die anyway? I would have thought that the great, undefeatable, noble boy-who-lived should be living to his nick-name and well, live! Why are you dead?"

"Erm, Professor, I am dead because I am not alive. And besides, I hate saving the world. I think I should leave that to, Ron or something. Or maybe manipulative Dumbledore who's trying to vie for attention- Dumbledore can save the world. I don't really care," Harry shrugged, "and I died because I fell down the stairs."

There was a silence for a moment. Severus Snape did not speak and Harry could hear the sound of ghosts dragging iron balls around their ankles moving around. (The sound of iron rubbing against ceramic tiles is very distinctive.)

"You… you fell down the bloody stairs?" Snape said disbelievingly, "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. I even know which step I tripped on. I tripped on the third one, the one with the creaky noise!" Harry said, a little jubilantly.

"I can't believe it. The-boy-who-lived, our prophesized saviour dies not in some vicious battle against the Dark Lord, where there is only two people standing- the saviour and the evil lord, and the evil lord suddenly swipes the hero with some awesome sword and yada yada yada…" Severus goes on, "But he dies because he tripped."

"Yep, something like that," Harry said chirpily.

"That is so anti-climax,"

"Anti-climax is kind of in now, y'know?" Harry replied, "I mean, sometimes the hero's got to lose! It keeps things interesting!"

"Aren't you sad to leave your friends?" Severus asked.

"Honestly… no."

"Oh."

Silence again. This time, Harry can hear the bloodcurdling scream of a woman. She sounds very much alive, although she is probably dead.

"How did you die anyway?"

"Dumbledore killed me," Severus said.

"WHAT?" Harry shouted. "DUMBLEDORE… are you sure? Isn't Voldemort the one supposed to kill you? You know, seeing that you betrayed the Dark side and he had to kill the 'traitorous bastard' to set an example?"

Severus shook his head disapprovingly. "What gave you the idea? I was betraying Dumbledore, not the Dark Lord, so Dumbledore killed me!"

Harry looked stunned. "That means you're a bloody Death Eater!"

Severus smiled in amusement. "What did you think I was… some Gryffindor? Of course I'm a bloody death eater! That's why I have the dark mark you know…"

"You mean you don't feel any regret and you don't feel repentant? Didn't something happened to you that made you fall in love with someone… like my mom for instance? Are you sure you didn't fall in love with my mom and then turn on Voldemort?" Harry asked questioningly.

"Whatever gave you that idea?" Severus Snape wondered out loud. "I prefer James to Lily you know…"

"You're gay?"

"No actually, I am heterosexual. Of course I'm gay you nincompoop! Why do you think I don't have an heir? Can't be due to my ravishing good looks!"

"Hmn, okay, that's quite nice. But guess what, I'm gay too!" Harry squealed.

Severus looked at Harry for a moment, and Harry looked at Severus. Simultaneously, they started to shake their heads.

"I don't like you," Severus Snape said with finality.

"I don't like you too."

"I don't feel hot in my groin."

"I don't feel hot in my groin too."

"Okay."

"Okay."

"You realise this is very dumb, Potter?"

"Yeah, I realised it too. It reminds me of this Hollywood film, you know, Hollywood? The stuff they make in Muggle world? The film's called Dumb and Dumber."

"What's it about?'

"It's about this dumb guy that meets another dumb person…"

"Is it really?"

"Yep, except well, in this case, we're both smart. So it'll be Smart and Smarter."

"Potter, can you shut up? You're talking too much. It gets on my nerves," Severus snapped, "I'm dead remember? Eternal peace? Languidness? RIP?"

"Pity, guess I'm just going to bother you for the rest of your after-life…"

**The End**

_P.S However, what Snape didn't realise, was that he could just drift away into nothingness, and leave absolutely intelligent Potter yammering on…_

-

**Next in 'The People you meet in the Afterworld" series-**

When Harry met Draco

(Note: If continued)

-

**A/N:**

_Writing this was a blast, I hope it was funny crosses fingers. If it isn't, I guess I just have a really warped sense of humor._

_Please review! Your reviews will determine the outcome of whether I continue this series!_

_So click that little button there and tell me what you think!_

_Thanks!_

_(P.S. I love Severus Snape, don't get me wrong!)_


End file.
